On Sunday 14th Sept 2008, my life as I knew it, was ripped to shreds. All the pressures of the past 6 months came to a head and my soulmate left and all our hopes and dreams for the future went with him. My heart feels like it is never going to heal but time is a great healer so everyone tells me and I have to trust in that.
The past few days have been very emotional and very difficult to get through but each day I wake up and I'm still here.
Yesterday I made a decision - I want to rent a flat of my own, and leave this house which I co-own with a friend and rent a flat just for me. Where I can shut the door at night and say "this is mine and I can care for it on my own without having to rely on anyone else", which is what I have been doing for the past 2o odd years because I stupidly thought that bricks and mortar (well plasterboard and breezeblock in my case) brought you happiness and stability - but it doesn't. This house has bought me nothing but pain and I want out of here before I go mental. At 47 years of age, its time I stood on my own two feet and moved on.
I am not closing the book on my soulmate as I could never do that - the door will always be open for him as somewhere down the line, I still want him in my life but I want him to know that its HIM that I want as a person and not just for his wallet which I think is how he thought sometimes and I don't blame him for that in anyway. After taking some time to think over the past couple of days and doing what I have had to do, its made me think to myself "hang on, if you have gotten off your backside and got a job interview next week, why didn't you do that before and help put into the house more?" That was just me being plain selfish and expecting others to look after me - but the world doesn't work like that. You have to go out and look after number 1 and that now is my ultimate goal.
my co-owner is going to have to learn to stand on her own two feet as well as I can only manage me right now and too much has happened recently for me to deal with all that too.
My saddest decision though is that of my beloved cats - they have to be re-homed and I have resigned my self to that and am trying to get that arranged within the next couple of days as I can no longer afford to keep them. The pain of losing them can't be any worse than the pain of losing my soulmate and I know they will be cared for wherever they go. If I had the money, I would take them to woodgreen animal shelter but they ask for £40 per cat and I don't have £160 to spare right now. So I have to think of something else.
So, wish me luck everyone and if anyone knows of a gang of workers who will get the house into a saleable state and who are willing to be paid in bacon sandwiches and cups of tea, please point them in my direction as I am truly going to need divine intervention to help me through all this